Don't Get Ripped Off #1: NES

Today at This Old Box marks the start a new series: DON'T GET RIPPED OFF!, in which I explain to you the most important mission of being a nerd: buying used video game consoles that actually work, and bargaining for a fair price on them. So before you bid on that eBay auction or head off the the flea market to do some snooping, read my guide and make sure your purchases are extra-smart.

This time on DON'T GET RIPPED OFF!: the Nintendo Entertainment System. Unfortunately, the NES is one of the flimsiest of all vintage consoles, despite Nintendo's squeaky-clean reputation for quality. So many things can go wrong on one, as I'll explain, that it's a small wonder any still exist. Luckily for you, there are a few easy red flags and things to look out for to determine if the system you're looking at is a dud.

The first thing you're going to do is head over to Radio Shack and pick up an RCA Male to 3.5mm Female cable (for around $3). It looks like this:

The reason you're buying this is to insert that red thing into the RCA jack in the back of your Nintendo here:

The RCA output is the jack to the right.

The reason you're doing this is so you can use headphones to listen to the system as you start it up, so you don't need to plug the thing into a TV to make sure it works. You'll also need to insert a working game into the system while you test it. If you hear nothing when you power the system on, you're almost definitely experiencing one of two problems:

Problem 1: The reason for around 50% of NES system failures is a problem with the front-loading zero-insertion force (ZIF) cartridge slot. Frequent insertion and removal of cartridges will wear down the pins in the slot, causing it to malfunction. Open up the front cartridge door, and use a flashlight to take a look at the cartridge socket. If it looks tarnished or dirty, chances are it needs to be cleaned or replaced. Cleaning it poses a risk of electrical shock, and replacements haven't been sold since 1991. So, you're best off simply avoiding a system with a dirty cartridge socket.

Problem 2: The other 49.99% of NES problems are caused by the lockout chip. The lockout chip is a special chip that's used by Nintendo to "lock" any game that's not licensed by sending a spike of electricity to the system, preventing it from starting. If the lockout chip has oxidized or is otherwise malfunctioning, the machine will reset every second and the front power light will blink on and off.

Looks are decieving, so don't just buy the best-looking console that you see. The NES is constructed from reinforced ABS plastic, which typically yellows after years of exposure to oxygen and sunlight, so even completely functional systems can look like crap at first glance. What matters is not what the outside looks like, but how the delicate internal components perform. If the machine starts up normally and audio can be heard from your special magic headphones, with no hissing or blinking lights, your console is most likely good to go.

When it's time to bargain on a price, haggle aggressively. Usually, a working NES should sell for between $25 and $75, depending on condition and included accessories. There were several models and packages sold over the system's lifetime, some of which are rarer than others. The NES-101 model is particularly collectible; it was made for only a very short period of time in the early 90s, lacks the problematic lockout chip, and sports a sleek redesign far superior to the original, flimsy VCR player-style console. Boxed consoles are also particularly collectible and can fetch hundreds.

If you see one of these in a flea market or thrift store, buy itI It's worth a lot of money...

An extra tip on the general topic of buying used video games: when you're haggling, make your offer lower than the actual value of what you're purchasing, and bargain up. Due to the uniform nature of video games, buyers have a marked advantage over sellers in the used market. Take advantage of this and be bold.

One last tip: Don't go to large corporate video game stores (like GameStop, FuncoLand, EB Games, etc.) to buy vintage video games. These chain game shops usually focus on new equipment, and when it comes to selling used games, all they care about is profit. Often they don't even check to make sure used cartridges work. Many times I've had the experience of buying a used machine at EB Games, bringing it home, finding out it didn't work, bringing it back to the store, and getting a lecture from a pimply teenage employee about the store's "as-is" return policy. Don't waste your time or your money.

From me to you, I heartily wish you: Happy console hunting! And finally, because this is a blog about homebrew stuff, I present to you: the NES Mouse...

This Week in Ridiculous Vintage Ads

Imagine yourself in 1986. You work at Nintendo's marketing, and you have on your hands The Legend of Zelda, one of the best games ever created. Clearly, if you're going to sell this thing, you're going to need to bring out the rapping nerds:

One of the many amazing things about this ad are the rabbit-ear antenna atop their lovely Woolworth's color TV. Also, they're reading a magazine! An actual magazine! That was actually printed on paper and NOT your computer screen!

Even though this ad is pretty incredible, though, it'll never replace my love for Pastamania...

Mechanical Pong: When the real thing isn't retro enough

This will be an Olympic sport in 20 years.

This gorgeous machine is the creation of Niklas Roy, a prolific German artist who creates works that shatter conventional ideas about industrial design and the capabilities of technology. PONGMECHANIK is an authentic game of Pong, powered entirely by a fully-functional analog computer, and by far the most ambitious work of retro-inspired hacking I've ever seen.

Party like it's 1939.

The heart and soul of PONGMECHANIK is the relay switch. A relay is an electromagnetic device that operates a switching mechanism; this switch can be off (zero) or on (one), and thus represents a single byte of data in a binary computer system. (Many of these relays together is known as an array.) Nowadays, relays are commonplace in the telephone and railway industries, where it is necessary to instantaneously control huge voltages of electricity without delay. Relays were also used in the 1930s to construct the world's first computers, but were abandoned quickly due to their size and unpredictability. The total processing power of PONGMECHANIK's brain, entirely driven by a few dozen telephone relays, is barely enough to store a single word of text on this page.

These wheels rotate underneath the black playing surface to indicate score.

Niklas explains PONGMECHANIK's design on his webpage. The machine is divided into four parts: the array of telephone relays, a system of pulleys and springs which control the movement of the player/ball, the metal chassis that detects the collision of the ball with the paddle, and the sound effects, provided by two wood blocks (seriously!) struck with large metal solenoids controlled by the brain.

While I was skeptical at first as to the practical application of such a daunting (and low-tech) task, all it took was a few YouTube videos to thoroughly impress me. PONGMECHANIK is an almost-exact replica of the 1972 Atari version of Pong, a game which launched the entire commercial video game industry in the United States and left burning holes in the wallets of college dropouts nationwide. Although paddle and ball movement seems a tad slow, collision detection is suprisingly accurate. Furthermore, the machine's design is, dare I say, sexy. A clear plexiglass cabinet on top of a handsome wooden base gives the machine a clean, futuristic look. Ducking underneath the playfield allows a user to ooh and ah at the ballet-like dance of relays, pulleys, springs, and wires, all pulling and whirring in glorious harmony to bring Pong to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like PONGMECHANIK will be available to the masses any time soon; the machine is large, cumbersome, and delicate, and spends most of its life in Niklas's home. But that doesn't stop me from giving its inventor the NERD OF THE CENTURY award. This is, quite simply, the biggest, most ambitiously complex, and most wonderful home video game project I've ever come across, and it's not even really a video game!

Review: "N-Warp Daisakusen" for SNES

I have many fond memories of playing Super Bomberman as a lad. All other games were intimidating and complex, but Bomberman was instantly recognizeable, with minimal controls, colorful graphics, and seizure-inducing gameplay. For a quick 15-minute burst of multiplayer enjoyment, there's absolutely nothing that will destroy lifelong relationships quite like a multiplayer death match in Bomberman.

Micro Multiplayer Mayhem!

 So, when I found out about N-Warp Daisakusen, I couldn't help the onset of major déjà vu. Despite its faux-Japanese title, this raucously enjoyable multiplayer fighting game was actually programmed by Matthias Nadler, a German gentleman who's a veteran programmer, console modifier, hacker, and all-around geek. His latest SNES game isn't just a fun timewaster, though; it's the first game ever released for the SNES with multiplayer mode for eight different players, made possible with the same obscure Multitap accessory I used to play Bomberman way back in 1996.

In case you aren't a programmer, moving sprites (the technical term for a tiled image onscreen) are difficult to manage on any old console, and trying to write code for eight characters moving simultaneously is nigh-suicidal. Thankfully, Matthias has sprinkled some retro fairy-dust into this cartridge, because it is absolutely gorgeous! The graphics sparkle with life and energy, with no signs of processor slowdown or overload. The music, too, is pure early-90s cheese; programmed by French electronic composer mAF, its pumping beats and richly-layered sawtooth waves are sure to release your inner hyperactive 8-year-old.

State of the art, c. 1994

N-Warp Daisakusen is hampered by the occasional graphics and menu bug, especially with the use of both multitaps. Nevertheless, given that it's been to decades since the damn thing was released (and almost ten years since it was discontinued), it's quite impressive that a few dedicated nerds are still setting records on this machine. N-Warp Daisakusen, like all the best things on the internet, is free to download, so head on over to Matthias's blog and take a gander at his impressive work. My only problem now is finding eight other people to play with. (Guess it's time to go back on those gay nerd dating sites again...)

Review: "Korg DS-10 Plus" for DS

It occurred to me while thinking of a subject for my next game review that I haven't considered an original game yet; both of the games I've covered so far are knockoffs. I also haven't yet reviewed a game for a modern system, nor have I considered a game for a handheld system (unless you count playing Breakout on my laptop in class as "handheld"). So, today I decided to shatter some glass ceilings and cover something slightly unusual: a commercially-released game (not a homebrew), created for a modern system, the Nintendo DS.

But wait!, you say, isn't this a blog about homemade games? Well... yes. But it's also about other homemade video-game related things, including music. And, the Korg DS-10 is such a fabulous tool for creating game-based synthesized compositions that it seems silly not to give it at least a nod.

The DS-10 is, ostensibly, based on the MS-10 synthesizer, a simple keyboard introduced in 1978 as a beginner's synthesizer and a learning tool for electronic music. The DS-10 inherits both of these purposes; it's an ideal learning tool, and the DS's touch-screen interface is perfect for twiddling, noodling, and just generally making irritating squeaky noises while in public. (One of my favorite pastimes!) Unlike the original, however, the DS-10 features a sequencer for composing songs, as well as drum sounds and a complex effects matrix. Thanks to the DS-10, it is entirely possible to compose an entire track on a Nintendo DS, and while the concept of composing a song on a handheld video game makes me scoff instinctively, the YouTube video demonstrations I've seen shut me up pretty quickly. I guess it really is the future...

My biggest complaint about the DS-10 is the lack of MIDI connectivity, which greatly reduces composition possibilites, as well as live performance capabilities. If it can happen on the Commodore 64, why not on the DS? Perhaps Nintendo could market a MIDI cable that connects to the link slot on the DS, enabling the machine to fully integrate into a digital music production environment. Until they do, however, the DS-10 remains a fun toy rather than a serious musical instrument. It packs a suprising amount of features, but it's simply too inflexible to be useful.

The Korg DS-10 should now be available in most video game stores. Visit the website here.

Review: "D-Pad Hero" for NES

Rhythm-based video games have existed as long as the genre itself, but they've always been commercially shaky ground. Precious few of them have sold well (Samba de Amigo, anyone?), and the ones that have sold typically require external hardware or accessories, which are expensive, delicate, and difficult for toy stores and video-game retailers to stock.

Mario just split his overalls.

So it follows logically that the only place rhythm and dance games were ever successful was the arcade. After all, the experiences are tailor-made for each other. Dance games are designed to be played quickly, repeatedly, in short bursts - in other words, the damn things practically suck quarters from your pocket. There's a reason Dance Dance Revolution was so popular in arcades: the machines were expensive (more than twice the price of an average arcade set), but were so consistently popular that arcade owners could charge higher prices for each game.

Can you imagine one of these on Antiques Roadshow in 50 years?

You'll forgive me if a game like D-Pad Hero makes me cringe instinctively. It reminds me all too well of a time when I would fight with my brother over the last 50¢ for one more game of Drum Solo, a crappy Guitar Hero knockoff at our local Generic FunPlex operated with crappy rubber pads that made my wrists hurt. D-Pad Hero also makes my wrists hurt, but thankfully it's a much more charming and endearing experience than I ever had at age 11.

 
D-Pad Hero, a knockoff of the wildly popular and incalculably irritating Guitar Hero series, is a technical masterpiece programmed by Kent Hansen and Andreas Pedersen. The two clearly have some serious programming skills: immediately the gorgeously textured graphics come alive onscreen, and the renditions of popular rock songs like "Sweet Child O' Mine" made me laugh, then sing along. The gameplay is quite deceptively simple, and should be familiar to anyone who's spent 5 minutes inside an arcade next to a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

D-Pad Hero unfortunately suffers from the same problem as its antecedent: it quickly becomes very repetitive and dull. Once you master each song at the highest difficulty level, and once the novelty of hearing "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" on a 20-year old video game console wears off, there's very little that keeps the player coming back more. The game is difficult, but not quite difficult enough to keep it interesting or engaging. Furthermore, the technical limitations of the NES  console restrict the game from offering any of the hidden gems and unlockable suprises that make Guitar Hero so addictive.

D-Pad Hero is a lovely little slice of copyright infringement on the NES, well-designed and admirably executed. I couldn't see myself paying for an actual cartridge (the gameplay is just too limited), but for now it's only available as a free download from the developers' website, and it's well worth the effort to spend some bandwidth on giving it a try.

Michael Jackson commands it!

Homebrew Handhelds (or, Hillbilly Industrial Design)

You don't see this every day. Sure, anyone can write a boring ol' NES game in a few weeks. But to whip up a console right there in your bedroom? That takes way more skill and patience than I will ever have.

To be fair, this article isn't about creating an entirely new video game system from scratch; that is more power than we mere mortals have. But it is possible (not easy, but possible) to hack apart your old Atari, Nintendo, or Sega machine, slap it together with an LCD screen and a few buttons, and create a portable version of your favorite childhood timewaster. Success! You'll never be productive again!

I've always thought it'd be a smart investment for Nintendo or Sony to create an officially licensed version of one of these. It's happened before; Sega released the Nomad, a portable verson of the Sega Genesis, in 1995, but it was a commercial failure due to its blurry screen and pitfully short battery life. Thankfully, modern technology (better screens, rechargeable lithium-ion batteries) enable you to enjoy classic games the way they were intended to be played: on a bus, plane, subway, jury duty, prison cell, or wherever else boredom strikes.

The most famous, and by far most productive, console hacker is Benjamin Heckendorn, an amateur industrial designer whose creations look like they come from an alternate world where the 80s happened in the future. Since 2000, he's created dozens of sideshow-like weird portable consoles, like portable versions of the Nintendo 64, PlayStation, Neo Geo, and Dreamcast. But that's all child's play when compared to my personal favorite: the Commodore 64 laptop...

Can you imagine what would happen if I tried to pull this out in class? The techno-geeks would swarm me like a pack of wild dogs! I'd finally be able to get a date! Score one for the sexy beige plastic of 80s computers...

Compare the Commodore 64 laptop to the actual portable Commodore 64 that was manufactured in 1982, and you'll see just how much of an upgrade it is:

Any cheap Chinese bootleg electronics manufacturers (I know they're out there), take note - there's a market out there for laptop updates of outdated computers. Stop making those worthless iPads and get crackin' on one of these!

Of course, if you aren't a Chinese bootleg electronics manufacturer, or if you don't have a degree in electrical engineering from MIT, making your own portable homebrew console is... hard. Luckily, Ben has written a fantastic book to walk you through making one of these machines, called Hacking Videogame Consoles. Pick it up at Amazon and crack out that TurboGrafX16 from your closet!