COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT TUESDAY: A Bootleg NES, from China with Love

It's been a while since I posted; I've been spending my spring break in fabulous scenic Bergen County, NJ, roaming its famous Garden State Plaza mall begging for change to afford a copy of Lego Star Wars III. All that wandering around suburban New Jersey made me misty-eyed about my crappy childhood, so today I thought I'd introduce a new column, Copyright Infringement Tuesday, where we explore the glorious world of "bootleg" (unlicensed) video games. Today we're taking a trip down memory lane with one of these bad boys:

Now with 3 times the Retron!

Do you remember these? I know my local Walgreens stocked them by the dozens. They're unlicensed copies of old video game systems, made by shady factories in southeast Asia and sold by street hawkers and five-and-dimes the world over. I have dozens of them in my attic right now, and if I remember correctly many of them are quite creative. The one above, for example, impressively dubbed the "RetroN-3," is actually three systems in one box (NES, Super NES, and Genesis). It even comes with wireless controllers!

Are you dorky enough to use this in public?

This one, the "Game Theory Admiral," is another terribly creative example of the lengths these Chinese sweatshops are willing to go to to grab a bit of the American video game market. It looks like a Game Boy Advance, and it plays just like one, except that it's actually a handheld NES. Unfortunately, it's made for use with Japanese cartridges, so it requires a rather awkward adapter (see above picture) for use with North American games. Still, it'll make you a celebrity if you pull it out at a bus terminal or during study hall.

But my favorite by far was sold in Brazil - it's called the "Mega Kid MK-1000:"

Robocop's computer of choice.

Not only does the Mega Kid include two PlayStation-style controllers and a light gun in the shape of a miniature Kalashnikov, it also features a full keyboard, resembling a futuristic Commodore 64. It's also compatible with games from all over the world, making it an ideal system for importers. It can even be programmed in BASIC!

But hey, you may be asking yourself, this is a blog about homebrew games. How are these shitty things at all relevant? The answer lies in a tiny little chip, aptly named the "NES On A Chip." You see, the patent on Nintendo's secret lockout system for the NES expired in 2000. This left the NES wide open for hackers, and sure enough, NES clones soon flooded the market in countries where traditional video games were not affordable or not sold. For many in the developing world, and many low-income families right here in the US, these bootleg systems were a family's first contact with the world of video games.

Besides, I'm sure these things are just begging to be modified by some resourceful techno-freak with a soldering iron. Next time on Copyright Infringement Tuesday, we'll take a look at some mind-blowing mods that may cause you to take a second look next time you see a "Retro-N'3" at your local CVS.

Don't Get Ripped Off #1: NES

Today at This Old Box marks the start a new series: DON'T GET RIPPED OFF!, in which I explain to you the most important mission of being a nerd: buying used video game consoles that actually work, and bargaining for a fair price on them. So before you bid on that eBay auction or head off the the flea market to do some snooping, read my guide and make sure your purchases are extra-smart.

This time on DON'T GET RIPPED OFF!: the Nintendo Entertainment System. Unfortunately, the NES is one of the flimsiest of all vintage consoles, despite Nintendo's squeaky-clean reputation for quality. So many things can go wrong on one, as I'll explain, that it's a small wonder any still exist. Luckily for you, there are a few easy red flags and things to look out for to determine if the system you're looking at is a dud.

The first thing you're going to do is head over to Radio Shack and pick up an RCA Male to 3.5mm Female cable (for around $3). It looks like this:

The reason you're buying this is to insert that red thing into the RCA jack in the back of your Nintendo here:

The RCA output is the jack to the right.

The reason you're doing this is so you can use headphones to listen to the system as you start it up, so you don't need to plug the thing into a TV to make sure it works. You'll also need to insert a working game into the system while you test it. If you hear nothing when you power the system on, you're almost definitely experiencing one of two problems:

Problem 1: The reason for around 50% of NES system failures is a problem with the front-loading zero-insertion force (ZIF) cartridge slot. Frequent insertion and removal of cartridges will wear down the pins in the slot, causing it to malfunction. Open up the front cartridge door, and use a flashlight to take a look at the cartridge socket. If it looks tarnished or dirty, chances are it needs to be cleaned or replaced. Cleaning it poses a risk of electrical shock, and replacements haven't been sold since 1991. So, you're best off simply avoiding a system with a dirty cartridge socket.

Problem 2: The other 49.99% of NES problems are caused by the lockout chip. The lockout chip is a special chip that's used by Nintendo to "lock" any game that's not licensed by sending a spike of electricity to the system, preventing it from starting. If the lockout chip has oxidized or is otherwise malfunctioning, the machine will reset every second and the front power light will blink on and off.

Looks are decieving, so don't just buy the best-looking console that you see. The NES is constructed from reinforced ABS plastic, which typically yellows after years of exposure to oxygen and sunlight, so even completely functional systems can look like crap at first glance. What matters is not what the outside looks like, but how the delicate internal components perform. If the machine starts up normally and audio can be heard from your special magic headphones, with no hissing or blinking lights, your console is most likely good to go.

When it's time to bargain on a price, haggle aggressively. Usually, a working NES should sell for between $25 and $75, depending on condition and included accessories. There were several models and packages sold over the system's lifetime, some of which are rarer than others. The NES-101 model is particularly collectible; it was made for only a very short period of time in the early 90s, lacks the problematic lockout chip, and sports a sleek redesign far superior to the original, flimsy VCR player-style console. Boxed consoles are also particularly collectible and can fetch hundreds.

If you see one of these in a flea market or thrift store, buy itI It's worth a lot of money...

An extra tip on the general topic of buying used video games: when you're haggling, make your offer lower than the actual value of what you're purchasing, and bargain up. Due to the uniform nature of video games, buyers have a marked advantage over sellers in the used market. Take advantage of this and be bold.

One last tip: Don't go to large corporate video game stores (like GameStop, FuncoLand, EB Games, etc.) to buy vintage video games. These chain game shops usually focus on new equipment, and when it comes to selling used games, all they care about is profit. Often they don't even check to make sure used cartridges work. Many times I've had the experience of buying a used machine at EB Games, bringing it home, finding out it didn't work, bringing it back to the store, and getting a lecture from a pimply teenage employee about the store's "as-is" return policy. Don't waste your time or your money.

From me to you, I heartily wish you: Happy console hunting! And finally, because this is a blog about homebrew stuff, I present to you: the NES Mouse...

This Week in Ridiculous Vintage Ads

Imagine yourself in 1986. You work at Nintendo's marketing, and you have on your hands The Legend of Zelda, one of the best games ever created. Clearly, if you're going to sell this thing, you're going to need to bring out the rapping nerds:

One of the many amazing things about this ad are the rabbit-ear antenna atop their lovely Woolworth's color TV. Also, they're reading a magazine! An actual magazine! That was actually printed on paper and NOT your computer screen!

Even though this ad is pretty incredible, though, it'll never replace my love for Pastamania...

Review: "D-Pad Hero" for NES

Rhythm-based video games have existed as long as the genre itself, but they've always been commercially shaky ground. Precious few of them have sold well (Samba de Amigo, anyone?), and the ones that have sold typically require external hardware or accessories, which are expensive, delicate, and difficult for toy stores and video-game retailers to stock.

Mario just split his overalls.

So it follows logically that the only place rhythm and dance games were ever successful was the arcade. After all, the experiences are tailor-made for each other. Dance games are designed to be played quickly, repeatedly, in short bursts - in other words, the damn things practically suck quarters from your pocket. There's a reason Dance Dance Revolution was so popular in arcades: the machines were expensive (more than twice the price of an average arcade set), but were so consistently popular that arcade owners could charge higher prices for each game.

Can you imagine one of these on Antiques Roadshow in 50 years?

You'll forgive me if a game like D-Pad Hero makes me cringe instinctively. It reminds me all too well of a time when I would fight with my brother over the last 50¢ for one more game of Drum Solo, a crappy Guitar Hero knockoff at our local Generic FunPlex operated with crappy rubber pads that made my wrists hurt. D-Pad Hero also makes my wrists hurt, but thankfully it's a much more charming and endearing experience than I ever had at age 11.

 
D-Pad Hero, a knockoff of the wildly popular and incalculably irritating Guitar Hero series, is a technical masterpiece programmed by Kent Hansen and Andreas Pedersen. The two clearly have some serious programming skills: immediately the gorgeously textured graphics come alive onscreen, and the renditions of popular rock songs like "Sweet Child O' Mine" made me laugh, then sing along. The gameplay is quite deceptively simple, and should be familiar to anyone who's spent 5 minutes inside an arcade next to a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

D-Pad Hero unfortunately suffers from the same problem as its antecedent: it quickly becomes very repetitive and dull. Once you master each song at the highest difficulty level, and once the novelty of hearing "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" on a 20-year old video game console wears off, there's very little that keeps the player coming back more. The game is difficult, but not quite difficult enough to keep it interesting or engaging. Furthermore, the technical limitations of the NES  console restrict the game from offering any of the hidden gems and unlockable suprises that make Guitar Hero so addictive.

D-Pad Hero is a lovely little slice of copyright infringement on the NES, well-designed and admirably executed. I couldn't see myself paying for an actual cartridge (the gameplay is just too limited), but for now it's only available as a free download from the developers' website, and it's well worth the effort to spend some bandwidth on giving it a try.

Michael Jackson commands it!